I have a law school friend with whom I always get in these deep, angry debates. It doesn’t matter what we talk about - the importance of sports announcers, racial profiling, who can pay for what, universal truths, the appropriate use of state constitutions – it always ends in a raging fight. No matter what the subject, I can’t let it go. He always has to be right and I hate that. I can’t let him get away with it. I have to be right. When the fights are over I feel angry and frustrated and weak. Why am I such a bitch? Why do I get so argumentative every time we were together? Eventually, I came to realize that my friend and I are really very alike, and as such, we seem to inadvertently bring out the worst in each other.
It’s the same way when I go home to see my family. We constantly fight. I find myself attacking and arguing for no apparent reason. Is it a preemptive strike? An old habit? A strange family dynamic? I don’t know. I just know that I become a monster – 10x worse than normal. When the fights are over I feel horrible for intentionally hurting the people I love. I just don’t know how to control myself.
I just hate that certain people and situations bring out the things I hate the most about myself. I guess the solution is to turn it into a mechanism for personal growth. I should focus on being calm, rational, non-combative and non-confrontational. Maybe if I can learn to repress my ugly side around those who bring it out the most, I’ll practically be cured of myself.
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