But, the one aspect of being a woman that truly tortures me is - the choice. The choice that I’ve dreaded since I was a little girl. The choice that I know will follow me throughout my adult life. The choice that no man will ever really understand. As a woman, I will have to choose between being a mother and being a professional. Career over family. I will have to think about it, struggle with it, agonize over it… Even if I decide to do both, that decision process is inevitable. And, no matter what I choose, I will probably end up one day looking back on my life, wondering if I made the right choice…
Men do not have to make that decision. The world assumes that men can have a career and a family without sacrificing either. I envy that so much.
Even other women contribute to the pressure we feel to make “the choice.” The other day I was discussing this with some of my female, law school friends. They both stated that they were going to take several years off and stay at home to raise their children because that was the best thing you could do if you were going to have a child. They didn’t want someone else raising their kids. They assured me that it was a choice and that each woman had to decide for herself, but the implication was evident – good mothers stay home and raise their kids. Good mothers put themselves and their careers on hold. Good mothers make the right choice.
11 comments:
what a wonderfully honest and introspective post... but i think you're still hiding your true feelings, admit it, you wish you were born a man so you could marry me :)
how did you know that is why i wish i could be born a man?! actually, i don't really believe in marriage that much, so there isn't really anything standing in the way of us being together...other than another 2 and 1/2 years of law school.... :) but don't you worry, as soon as I get the hell outta here i am moving back to NC to be with you!!! I am tired of eating publix sushi and soy patties and living in a pig-sty!!! haha... actually, i miss you for lots of other reasons than your domestic abilities!! I can't wait to come home over the break... love you!!!!
i just can't help it... no matter how much i hear the whole "if a mother doesn't stay home, her children will grow up to be homeless serial killers" thing, i just don't buy it. (not that a serial killer who's a homeowner is really any better) i think women CAN have both. i mean, isn't there a possibility that if your kid spends time at a daycare or with a nanny, babysitter, grandma... whatever, that it might be better socialized and more self-reliant? maybe, right? i just really think women don't have to give up one to have the other, and if she does decide to have both, i don't think the kid has to be a casualty of "the choice." it's harder to make it work, i guess, but then that's why women are the ones faced with "the choice" and not the men... cause we're smarter, and umm, you know... better. ;)
okay, one more thing...
as long as we're talking about inequality, here's something that just kills me. you think you see it now, sister, but just wait till you get married... suddenly, your name always comes AFTER his, or BELOW his, or he's the "primary signer" or "primary cardholder" and you officially are designated as "secondary" because you're the woman. i HATE that. and it's totally not alex's fault, it's just the way it's automatically done. society just assumes that's the way it is cause he's the man. the term i hate worse than anything else i've encountered with this whole marriage thing, though, is when we got our first apartment, and the lady asked me to fill out an info form using the "head of the household's" information. i asked her which one of us she wanted, and she laughs, like i made a joke, and says "your husband's." WHAT??!! did i miss the part where i was bought and paid for? i do not have a head of household, and i don't think anybody should... it sort of goes along with the whole marriage-is-an-equal-partnership thing.
sorry about the long comments... i sort of ranted.
i hate gender roles. :(
love you!
AMEN!!! I hear you... I hadn't really thought that much about those angles, but you are so right.... and btw, feel free to rant and rave on my blog any time!! That's what it is here for...but that whole "head of household crap is dumb. You should be able to put either one... likie alternate or something.. or better yet, the forms should require both parties information.... gender roles do suck...PREACH ON!!!
ha! i love you both! :)
HAPPY THANKSGIVING POOKIE! i wish we could be together! soon...
the choice?
equality?
a perspective from the other side. i would never try and dispute the fact that our society is geared toword men. being one however does not allow me to truly understand a womans perspective and feelings on this issue. im sure that it must be very frustrating. however dont forget that men have choices too. we are embroiled in a war right now. on my 18th birthday my dad took me to the post office in our small rural town and singed me up for the draft. i have yet to be called upon because i signed those papers, but it is a worry. it could happen, the devil may want his due and i will have to pay the piper for the extras ive enjoyed being a man. some would say just leave and go to canada or some other country. or be a concientious(sp?) objector. well there in lies the problem. society puts pressure on men to do certian things and behave in certian ways as well. duty and honor are a big thing even if they are made up concepts that leaders of societys proliferate so we will do the dirty work that they themselves are not willing to do. if duty and honor sound like silly ingnorant shovenistic concepts, remmember i dont fully understand the choice between carrer and child either. ive also heard some women say that they would be glad to sign up too. well i also here a lot of men talk about duty and honor and would not think twice about going because it is the right thing to do. the point is once it happens you dont really have much of a choice if you want to keep your home, family, wife, friends, and the culture that you are tied to. and CHOICE is a big deal. to all of those who would be glad to go. if you can answer this question with a yes and still fell that way i concede. have you ever been faced with your own demise? the realization that if you dont do something fast you will no longer exist. you are about to die. i have. ive been in a deep dark hole, late at night, by myself, seriously outnumbered, and my only help 20 miles away and not aware of the severity of the situation i was in. it is a strange thing to be confronted with. some one is going to kill you if you dont do something. well that is what every soilder faces. am i a soilder? no. but the carrer ive chosen affords me the same opprotunity. im not making light of others that struggle with social constraints, i just want to assure everyone that men suffer and struggle too. society is what it is and will probably not going to get better considering our current administration and general opinions of our society, country, and culture. we have to live with it and do what we can to change it. some of that includes a catharsis on a blog site. to sum up, ladies when you think of your struggles and frustrations, be comforted in the fact that we aint got it that easy either, and that many of us, while we cant empathize, we do sympathize. i'll be sneaking into the blogs again to find out what king of response this gets.
kind of response
d and g are close todether on the keyboarg
wow... very thought provoking post... I appreciate the glimpse into the other side that you have provided us... I guess I havn't given much thought to the burdens that come with manhood.... personally, I think a lot of the burdens men bear go hand in hand with the role that society (at least historically) has forced both men and women into. Men are the providers and protectors... this has to be a huge burden...but maybe providing and protecting don't need to be gender based roles...women should understand duty and honor and aggression and power just like men do...We can share these burdens together??? I don't think men should bear the burden of being soldiers alone. I think women should have an equal share in that... I think men do have a hard time... and I think it's hard for men to break out of the roles they are socialized into... I guess I envy the male role, and even the burdens that come with it, because it is seen as superior. Men are supposed to be aggressive and powerful and successful and women are supposed to be nurtureres and careing by nature. Women who are agressive are labeled bitches. When a man wants to insult another man he calls him a pussy (insinuating he is weak like a woman). I guess I just wish our society was set up so that I could pick which burdens I wanted, ya know? Instead of having them thrust upon me because I am a woman... I don't know... it's definately something to think about...
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